We, the wordbangers, will occasionally discuss the merits of people other than the stifferson and Don't Speak factors. Friends, this is that post.
Felicia Day is a special kind of person I want to bone, because I want to bone Felicia Day in a special way: with an unadulterated and impassioned love.
What follows is an open letter to Felicia, from myself, and is not to be read by anyone else on the internet. Honor System, guys.
Hey you, it's me.
I hope that you enjoyed the comment I posted in response to the premiere of The Guild, Season Four. I meant every word of it. I had a question for you, that I've been meaning to put out there for a while now - maybe back during Buffy, but probably after Dr. Horrible. Do me a favor and be honest? With both me and yourself...
Will you go out with me? (circle one)
a) YES
b) NO
c) SHIT YEAH
If you chose option a) or c), you've made me simply ecstatic. If you selected option b), please allow me to convince you otherwise by describing a completely random idea for a date that I have not planned out in its entirety and run several testing phases.
I plan to send a car for you, Felicia. A fancy car, one of fine taste. Perhaps I will send a Mitsubishi or Toyota, as I know that being mindful of my gas mileage is important to you. Perhaps. When you sit into the backseat of the luxurious vehicle I have sent, you will find yourself amidst a fantasy. A fantasy of things ladies like: rose petals about the pleater interior, a single stemmed glass of chilled champagne, a single stemmed glass of chilled sparkling apple juice, a gaming laptop, and myself. I will, at this time, offer you both glasses, so that you may choose whether or not you get fucked up.
I hope you will choose the latter, my darling.
I will be seated alongside you as we ride in complete silence toward our destination. During the trip, I will stare at you.
We will, after what has been a dream of a car ride, arrive at our destination - or perhaps our destinY? We will certainly see. It is a restaurant. After finding our table (which I have reserved in erotic anticipation), I will summon a waiter by speaking a foreign language. This will impress you and possibly dampen your downstairs a touch. Do not be afraid.
Once our waiter waits on us, I will order your meal for you, as all gentlemen should. I will order exactly what you want, without even asking you. I will do this because I will be paying close attention to your macroexpressions while you read the menu. I picked that up from Lie to Me, starring the British guy with the stare. Once again, my decidedly suave nature has caused your desire to stir. Downstairs.
During our meal, we will talk of many things: love, futures, family. Mostly, however, the two of us will discuss geek-centric items that we both care deeply about: video games, creativity, your fiery ginger's hair. At a certain point during our meal, you will laugh quite loudly and draw the attention of the restaurant. I will dispel the awkwardness immediately, by quoting a famous television catchphrase. I might try "I'm Homer Simpson" from The Simpsons, starring Homer Simpson.
Once you have completed your dessert of chocolate and more chocolate, as all ladies enjoy, we will adjourn to the aforementioned imported car to travel to your home. As we park, your door will open and I will hold a hand towards you, to assist you in leaving the vehicle. You will be astounded at the speed and stealth with which I left my side of the car, rounded the vehicle, and opened your door. This will make you turn back, briefly, to where I once sat. I will be there. I will wink. At this point, you will turn back towards the version of me that opened your door for your and become increasingly attracted to me on a physical level. Possibly sensual?
Hand-in-hand, I will lead you to your front door. Everything inside your body will be telling you to invite inside so that I may pillage you. You will open your mouth to speak. I will press a finger against your open lips, indicating that I wish for silence.
"I'm about to date your avatar," I'll say.
You will moisten and the screen will fade to black as we step inside.
Yours truly,
Brandon
Okay, internet, you can jump back in. Look:
Holy shit. She melts my entire body. For some reason, all I want to do with my entire life is hold Felicia's hand and cook her Eggs Florentine for breakfast. I don't know that there are many women that can write, act, sing, or create anything as impressive as what Felicia Day continues to bring to the table. Also, I'm hardpressed at this moment to think of somebody that has mastered the seductive and adorable test of a Google Images search.
Here's my final offer of proof. Please pay special attention to the 1:03 mark, as that should solidify everything ever in the history of ever.
I would lie for you.
